Earlier today, I went to a psychology study that is focusing on HIV education. I was 45 minutes early to the meeting when the person I spoke with on the phone greeted me as I entered the room. I initially gave her my nickname, which she did not recognize. I wanted to expedite her recognition of me, so after a bit of hesitation, I said my legal name. There was a man and a woman in the room. She immediately recognized me, thanked me for showing up early, and took me into her office to start the study.
My legal name is very unique and I'm very private about when it comes to my orientation. But, when I initially responded to the ad for the study, I left a message using my legal name. It was the professional thing to do.
I'm not worried about the woman who conducted the interview with me. I am concerned about the other two in the room when I said my name. The man and woman are Black and they knew why I was in the office - to participate in a study about the sexual habits of men who sleep with men, in particular those who use drugs or alcohol. (For the record, I do not use drugs, drink alcohol or smoke.)
One of the things I have noticed about this town is people don't talk about you - they gossip. I went to the study because I wanted the quick money they are offering, but I feel as if I traded my privacy for $35.
I have always considered myself closeted. However, I'm starting to feel as if the internalized stress of maintaining my privacy is worth it anymore. My mom knows, my sister and her kids know, and my close friends know. On a wider scale, I just prefer not to discuss my orientation openly. However, I am 38, single, and never talk about women. Although I find women very attractive and I would like to actually have sex with a woman, I can't bring myself to use a woman like that when I know I am physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to men. I just tell people who bring up marriage I prefer to be a lifelong bachelor.
A few weeks ago, I created a Facebook page at the behest of my sister who wanted a better way of keeping up with the family. After a few weeks, my entire family on both sides found me online. Everything was going nicely until old high school contacts started to find me on Facebook. It's time for the 20 year reunion. If I am searched, I am a guaranteed hit because of my name. And, because my name is unique, I decided to do the smart thing and post my picture on my Facebook page.
However, things got interesting when my two of my out friends requested to be on my Facebook page. My response was to create an alternate Facebook page for my out friends. And I feel crappy about that. I love my friends, but apparently not enough to include them on my Facebook page as my friends.
I wish I could be one of those people with one email address, one Facebook page, one Twitter page, one domain name. Instead, I have segregated myself. I have my primary identity and my gay identity. Both are my truth.
The way things are going, I predict that I will get my wish. I've already traded my privacy when I started posting this blog with a clear image of my face.
4 comments:
several good resoures are Focus Global Pointe and www.findfocusgroups.com and savitz research for surveys/focus groups in Atlanta
Thank you for this helpful information. I will definitely follow up and learn more.
I understand completely what you are going through. I am in the similar situation. The double identity is something I deal and cope with everyday. But each day is gets harder and harder. Sometimes I don't know what to do but thankfully I have great friends to talk to.
That's a tight spot. I believe who you have sex with is no ones business although people make it their business anyway. I did the double identity deal years ago and found it very stressful and draining. Not to mention scary.
On the same hand I would not advise everyone to "come out" because for some people that can be even worst. It's really a personal choice you have to make but know you're not alone.
I use to constantly worry about if people knew or if they would find out, and now I NEVER have those thoughts. I could really care less. I have bigger secrets today. I don't wear a gay flag or none of that madness but I'm free within and it's just not something that crosses my mind anymore.
I did have two facebook accounts at one point in time, but that was to keep my associates at work who wanted to be friends on facebook, separate from my real friends on facebook. We all have some form of double identities. I say, lighten up on yourself, and remember you have control over your life and what parts of your life you want others to share with the world. Make your transition smooth for YOU
Post a Comment